Between The Spreadsheets Page 7

  “I love fucking my girlfriend’s pussy,” he says on a sigh. I return his sigh and start cleaning up my desk as we get back to work. Dylan is my boyfriend. I smile at the thought. I have a sexy, sweet boyfriend. I’m blissfully happy in this moment.

  I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately. I’m up and down and so horny. Dylan is just driving me crazy. I’m glad we are official though and are clear with what we want in this relationship. I think I knew last night that I was starting to fall in love with him. It scared me. He’s nowhere near close to feeling that for me. I freaked out and left, but I can’t stay away. He’s like a ninja that creeped into my heart. I can see us growing old together and maybe married. Honestly, I don’t even know if he’s the marrying type. It was hard enough for him to admit we were even in a relationship.

  He seems the type of guy that would be completely content with just living with a girl and not needing to make it official. Dylan is probably one of those guys that thinks that a piece of paper means nothing. Of course, I don’t think I could ever broach that subject with him. He would probably black out from his commitment phobia.

  I think if I was with the right person, I wouldn’t need that piece of paper either. I could live happily with Dylan, with or without a piece paper. We aren’t even close to being there yet. I like what we have now and I think he’s happy too.

  Dylan’s leaning over the dining room table and checking out a few listings available for office space. I smile and feel that little flutter feeling again. Yup, he’s gotten to me.

  11

  It’s two weeks later and since my period was a no show, I’m now holding a pregnancy test. We’ve been very careful. After that first week, we had to keep buying boxes of condoms so I decided to get on birth control pills and he got tested. Then we were doing it like bunnies all over his apartment. I had never gone bare before with a guy. It was Earth shattering. He hadn’t gone bare before either. We pretty much stayed in bed all that afternoon, feeling every inch of each other, inside and out.

  But now I’m looking at two little lines that seem to say I’m pregnant. I heave into the toilet like I did yesterday morning. This is the worst thing that could happen right now. Dylan just agreed to be in a relationship and now I’m pregnant. He’s going to think I trapped him or something and I’m not ready for a baby right now. I’ve always dreamed about being a mother, but when I’m married and the relationship is clearly defined and I’m financially stable. Thankfully, I have paid off all my school loans and still have my apartment. Dylan pays me very well. I’m more secure financially than I ever have been. I’m still not ready to be a mother, but I don’t think I could ever consider terminating the pregnancy or giving this baby up for adoption. I should probably make a doctor’s appointment just to make sure; I don’t want to freak him out on false information. I think these tests can be wrong sometimes.

  I make an appointment for the next available slot which happens to be at the end of the week. So I have to wait a whole three days before I can get confirmation. It’s going to be a long week. How am I going to stay calm and not tell Dylan until then? I wrap up the pregnancy test in some tissue and put it in my panty drawer. I took the test while Dylan went to go get us some lunch and he should be back any minute. Now, if I can just act semi normal around him.

  It took about thirty minutes for him to notice anything. “Why are you acting so weird?” Dylan is giving me a pinched face look. I gaze down at my food and move it around my takeout box.

  “I’m not acting weird. I’m just not that hungry.” He gives me the stink eye like he knows something’s up. I’m totally fucked right now. Then that gives me an idea.

  “God, you’ve been so horny lately. It’s awesome.” Dylan pushes into me again as I lie across the dining table, our takeout boxes long forgotten and shaking against Dylan’s punishing rhythm. “Fuck, Andy. You make me so hot. If I knew calling you my girlfriend would up the sex, I would have done it earlier. Shit. I’m gonna come.”

  I moan as my orgasm rips through me. He pulses inside me and I’m reminded of what else I might be keeping inside me. I start to weep.

  I cry a lot, really at the drop of a hat. I’m just a sensitive person. I’m hoping this won’t alert him that anything is wrong or that I’m upset about anything. Calming myself down, I play it off as just an amazing orgasm.

  “What’s wrong, baby? Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?” He leans over me and wipes at my tears. I can’t keep this from him any longer. I’m breaking down right here before his eyes. I’m a terrible liar. I can’t keep a secret to save my life either. I don’t know why I thought I could do this. Maybe it won’t be that bad? It would be nice to share this information with someone else. I’ve only had the burden for a couple of hours and I’m already overwhelmed. I should just tell him what’s going on so we can deal with this together.

  Of course I do what I shouldn’t do and just blurt it out. “I’m pregnant!”

  He immediately pales and looks down where we are currently connected. He pulls out and nearly falls over twice as he puts his boxers and pants on. His hands slam on his hips once he rights himself. Oh no. This doesn’t look good. I rise and pull down my dress so I’m covered.

  “Want to run that by me again?” He looks pissed. His face is a little red and sweaty. I’m not sure if it’s from the sex or what I just told him. I slink off the table and grab my takeout box for something to do. “What are you doing?” he asks me incredulously.

  “I’m just putting this in the fridge for later.” I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. For some reason my mind wants to act like I didn’t say anything and for everything to go back to normal, but Dylan is not having any of it.

  “What the fuck, Andy? You just told me you’re pregnant and your acting like nothing has changed.” He’s pacing in front of the dining table now. Birdie rouses from her bed by my desk and goes over to try and comfort Dylan. She can tell he’s upset. She rubs up against his leg. “Not now, Birdie.” He shoves her with his leg. I gasp and call Birdie over to me.

  “Look, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen, but you don’t need to take it out on Birdie. She was just trying to calm you down.”

  “Calm down?”

  I stand up with Birdie while Dylan looks like he’s about to pull his hair out.

  “Did you just seriously say I need to calm down?”

  “No . . . I—” Dylan cuts me off mid-sentence.

  “You just told me you’re pregnant for God’s sake, while I was still inside you.”

  “I don’t see . . .”

  “Who the fuck does that? Don’t answer that.” He turns his back on me. I’m standing there dumbfounded. I knew he might freak out a little bit and it might take some adjusting and definitely some planning. I just didn’t think he would lash out. “Did you stop taking your birth control?”

  I narrow my eyes at him as he turns back around. “No.”

  “Well, how the fuck, Andy?”

  “I don’t know. I take my birth control pills every day. I just took the test this morning. It could be false. I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday to confirm.” I’m making excuses and telling him all my plans so he knows I didn’t try and trap him, but I don’t think any of what I’ve said is any comfort to him at all. I can tell by his face he doesn’t want this baby. I’m going to be raising this child on my own. There’s a shift in the room. I don’t know if it’s my attitude toward this situation or his, but I know we’re done here.

  I turn to go in our bedroom . . . or his bedroom. I pack a bag of all my clothes. I still hadn’t fully moved in with him. It doesn’t take me long to grab everything I need. He’s giving me space which is good. I’m trying to keep it together and not cry. I take one last look at the bed we have shared for the past month. My eyes start to water and I look up to the ceiling to gain control. When I walk out of the bedroom, Dylan spots the bag I’m carrying.

  “Where are you going?” Dylan’s still by the dining table with
his hands on his waist. He hasn’t moved at all since we started this argument, discussion, breakup, whatever this is.

  “Home. Come on, Birdie.” Birdie comes to me immediately, probably sensing the hurt in my voice. I clip her pink leash on her. Dylan just stands there. I’m a little surprised at his lack of emotion on me leaving. That solidifies that he doesn’t want a baby or me.

  “Let me know how the doctor’s appointment goes.” My mouth gapes open with my back turned to him and the tears start to fall. I feel like I’m being taken out with the trash. I’ve never felt so low in my life. He must feel nothing for me at all for him to not even suggest coming with me or seeing me before my appointment. I guess it was just sex for him. If he wants to know about my appointment, he can come and figure it out for himself. I will not seek out some deadbeat asshole. I close the door behind me.

  12

  My appointment on Friday came and went. The doctor did confirm that I am pregnant. She gave me a lot of pamphlets and prenatal vitamins. She cheered me up a little with all the appointments I have to look forward to. I can’t wait to have a sonogram; I’m wondering if it’s going to be a girl or a boy. I haven’t told anyone about the baby. I haven’t spoken to my dad since Christmas and I don’t see him being thrilled about being a grandfather. I don’t even think he liked being called father.

  I can’t help but smile knowing that I’m going to be a mother. I was scared and shocked at first about this baby, but I’m looking forward to witnessing another being’s firsts. The first time the baby says “Mama,” crawls, tries solid food, walks. After the doctor’s appointment, I was happier about this than when I was going into the appointment. I’ve officially got baby fever.

  I haven’t heard anything from Dylan since I left that Tuesday afternoon. I’ve cried every night and vomited almost every morning, but during the day I find my strength and get on with what needs to be accomplished. I’ve been looking for a job. I have insurance still, but I don’t want to depend on his insurance much longer. I need to cut ties with him completely. He pretty much stomped on my heart and threw it in the dumpster. I’m keeping it together solely for the baby growing inside me.

  I decide to call Cindy. She’s had a couple of children; she might be able to give me some advice. I could really use a friend right now. “Hey, Cindy.”

  “Hi, Andy. How’s the windy city treating you and Birdie? Is Dylan hiring for his new office yet?”

  I know Cindy has been looking forward to Dylan’s firm expanding and I have mentioned that he was looking for some help. I don’t really know what to tell her, except the truth.

  “Well, I’m not really working with Dylan anymore. We had a bit of a falling out and I’m on the hunt now too.”

  “That’s a shame. What happened? I thought things were going really well. Is he being an asshole again?” She laughs. I used to complain to her all the time how horrible he was and it seems things never change.

  “You could say that. I’m pregnant and he was upset. I left and haven’t heard from him since.” I sniffle. God, I sound so pathetic. It sounds like a shitty soap opera. I grab a tissue next to me as Birdie sidles up to my lap. I’m sitting down in my living room checking on my laptop for any open positions.

  “I’m sorry, sweetie. It’s tough being a single mom. I should know. Don’t you worry, you’re not alone. I can’t believe he would just let you go like that.” Cindy knew we were involved. Since she’s my only friend here in Chicago, I kept her up to date including when we became boyfriend and girlfriend. That seems so long ago now.

  “Assholes never change, Cindy. I thought he was different too, but I was wrong. I’m due in June.” I sigh. What am I going to do?

  “Oh, a June baby. That will be wonderful. Don’t you worry. Stress is not good for the baby. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. You know, I’ve had my share of babies.” She laughs. “If I see any positions that I think you’d be good for, I’ll let you know.”

  “Thanks, Cindy. That goes for me too. If I see jobs for you, I’ll call you first thing. I really appreciate your support. I don’t really have anyone here, except you. Thanks for being a good friend.”

  “Oh, don’t even mention it, honey. I know how hard it is out there. Us women need to stick together. Keep me updated on the baby, okay?”

  I agree and promise to call her next week after my next appointment. I smile after I hang up. At least I have one friend I can count on. Now, back to looking at the want ads.

  Sometimes, late at night I wonder if he even thinks about us or if he’s already moved on and has a girl in his bed every night like he seemed to have before. He probably has already fucked a few other girls by now.

  I didn’t give him any notice I was no longer going to be coming into work either. I’m sure he figured it out when he didn’t hear back from me on Friday. It’s been over a week since I said goodbye and although I’ve eaten all the ice cream in my freezer, things aren’t as bad as they seemed at first. I can’t seem to watch any romantic movies or Die Hard since they remind me of Dylan. Instead I’m watching Disney movies. I look forward to showing my child Cinderella and Snow White. I guess they’re somewhat romance movies, but the struggle these princesses went through to make it out on the other side, I can relate to.

  I’m in the middle of Cinderella. She’s dancing with the prince and singing about love. I’m eating popcorn and snuggled next to Birdie, when there’s a knock on the door. I look at Birdie and she looks at me. She goes to the door and wags her little pink tail.

  “Who is it, girl?” I know she must smell whoever is on the other side of the door. Looking through the peephole, I’m surprised to see Dylan on the other side gripping both sides of my doorframe. He’s a bit disheveled. He also looks mad. I’m not sure I want to open the door. “What do you want, Dylan?” I keep the door closed and watch his reaction to my question.

  “Come on, Andy. Let me in, please.” He bows his head and I can no longer see his face. I still don’t want to let him in. Why is he here now?

  “What do you want, Dylan?” I sound tired and frustrated. I don’t want to be dealing with this right now, I have an interview tomorrow for a great position at a top accounting firm.

  “How was the doctor’s appointment?” He looks straight through the peephole at me.

  I shiver and collect myself. “Fine, good. I’m still pregnant.” I guess he wanted to make sure I was still pregnant. Maybe he’s having difficulty with the business and wanted me to come back and work if I wasn’t pregnant. Guys are such assholes.

  “Can I come in and talk to you, please?” He stands up straight and puts his hands in his pockets.

  “We don’t have anything to talk about, Dylan. I’m keeping the baby and you don’t have to worry about any responsibility with this child. I’m willing to do it on my own.” I lean my forehead against the door and wait for him to leave.

  “Baby, let me in.”

  I don’t know if it’s hormones or just plain anger, but when he calls me baby, something happens and I can’t control my actions. I swing open the door and charge at him. His eyes go wide and I slap him in the face. His hand goes to his cheek and his eyes close.

  “Okay, I deserve that. I know I’ve been an asshole, but I . . .”

  “No!” I point my finger in his face and he flinches slightly. I back off a bit, slightly embarrassed of my behavior. I don’t normally lash out like this. I’m a civil person and he just brings out the crazy in me, I guess. Taking a few deep breathes, I grit my teeth. “Do not call me baby. I’m not your baby. We broke up. This, whatever it was between us, fuck buddies, it’s over. And while you’re at it, you can find yourself another secretary.” I turn and slam the door behind me and wait until I hear his footsteps retreating. I sigh and slide down the door and bawl my eyes out. That bastard just had to come here and make me cry.

  The next day, I get through my interview surprisingly well. The staff seems very happy and the company has great benefits. I ge
t a call later that evening with a job offer and I readily accept. Then that evening there’s another knock on my door. Slowly, I approach my door afraid it’s Dylan again. I hear his voice before I look out the peephole.

  “Andy, I thought I’d let you cool off before we spoke anymore. I don’t want you to be stressed right now.”

  “I’m cool as an Eskimo,” I reply. Eskimo? Where the hell did that come from? He’s not ruining my day. I just got a new job and I’m on the road to a secure future for me and my baby. I called Cindy earlier to tell her the good news and she was also happy to relay to me that she had also found a new position. Things were looking up for us both.

  “Can I please come in?” I stand and think about this for a moment. Hopefully, he’s just saying goodbye and wants to leave with a clear conscience. The sooner I got this over with the better. I really don’t want him banging on my door anymore. I’m so over his asshole tendencies. I slowly unlock my door and open it wide for him. “Thank you.” Dylan gives me a small smile.

  I follow him into the living room where he plops down in the middle of the couch. I sit in the chair adjacent to him. We sit there for a moment, just looking at each other. Dylan finally breaks the silence.

  “How are you feeling?” I’m guessing he’s really asking about the baby and not me.

  “The baby is fine. I go in for another appointment next week. Don’t worry, I’ve already found another job with good benefits. We’ll be fine.” Surprisingly, I sound confident. I don’t feel that way at all. I hope he can’t see through my facade.