Between The Spreadsheets Read online

  “I asked how you’re feeling, Andy.” I ignore his question and stand up to let him know I’m done talking. There’s nothing else to say. It’s hard to look at him and still be angry with him. I keep repeating to myself that he’s an ass and it helps. “Wait, Andy. Stop trying to run away from me. We need to talk about this like adults.”

  I turn slowly around from my path to the door. “What did you say?” Dylan rubs his face with his hands. He seems frustrated, but I don’t care. I’m furious. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was smoke coming out of my ears. “Did you just say that I need to talk like an adult?” I start to yell. “I’m not the one running away! I’ve been facing this since day one. You didn’t want me or this baby. I left when I wasn’t wanted. You’re an irresponsible asshole! Get out!”

  He rushes up from the couch to me. “You haven’t even let me talk. I want to talk about this. I want to be involved with this baby too. I want to go to the appointments with you.”

  “What?” I stumble back away from him. He can’t mean that. He didn’t want anything to do with us. Now Dylan wants to go to the appointments?

  “I want to be involved in this baby’s life. I’m the father. I didn’t have one growing up and I won’t do that to a child.” I can’t believe this. This should be good news, but I’m just being selfish. It’ll be hard for my heart to be around him. I know it’s what’s best for the baby, it’s just not good for me. That’s what being a parent is. You make sacrifices for your child so that they can be happy, whatever’s best for the baby.

  “Fine. I’ll text you when the next appointment is.” I go to the door and open it for him. Dylan waits for a moment and then decides to walk out. He doesn’t even look back. I guess that’s all he came for. Well, at least he’s decided to be a father to our baby. God, am I going to have to deal with him for the rest of my life? Will this pain ever ebb? I collapse on the sofa. Birdie accompanies me and I pet her. Before I know it, I’ve fallen asleep. I dream about a sweet little girl with my eyes and Dylan’s dark hair. I dream of him with another woman visiting us. I’m alone with the baby and he’s found another girlfriend. Waking up from that nightmare, I find it’s dark outside my windows. The clock says it’s eleven. Time to hit the hay.

  Taking a quick shower, I tuck myself in bed. The entire night, I toss and turn and dream about me being eternally alone and Dylan having a new girl on his arm every time he comes to pick up our baby. The only thing I can think about is if that nightmare came true or worse, if he found one girl he wanted to be with. Tears fall on my pillow that night and every evening until my appointment the next week.

  My new job doesn’t start until the following week. I have a bit of time off to enjoy for a little while longer. This pregnancy so far has been tough. I still get sick every morning and I’m extremely tired throughout the day. I don’t know how Cindy did it. I called her last night and she thought it was wonderful that Dylan was stepping up and is going to be involved. She could tell I was upset about the situation. She understood how I felt too. Cindy gave me some good advice to stay calm and healthy for the baby. Everything would work itself out.

  So here I am outside of the OBGYN. There’s no sign of Dylan and it’s five minutes past our appointment. With a huff, I go inside and sign in. I’m brought back immediately and am instructed to undress from the waist down. I’m going to have a sonogram and since it’s so early in my pregnancy they have to do it vaginally. Dylan still hasn’t showed once the doctor walks in. I brush the tears from my eyes and put on a good face. If he’s just going to flake out on us, he should’ve just left us alone.

  There’s a knock on the door before the doctor can walk me through the proceedings of our appointment. I cover my legs and pelvis with a pitiful scrap of paper, while a nurse pokes her head in the door.

  “I’m sorry to bother you, doctor, but there’s a man here that says he’s the patient’s boyfriend.” I gasp. The doctor looks back at me and I nod. Why the hell would he say we’re boyfriend and girlfriend? Then, he walks in. He takes my breath away. His beard is trimmed and he looks a little more rested than the last time he was at my door. Dylan looks a little out of breath.

  “Hi. Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in traffic. It was hard finding a parking spot too.” He kisses me on the forehead and sits down in the chair next to me. I give him a bewildered look. He’s watching the doctor.

  “Well, we were just about to start. You haven’t missed anything.” She turns to a machine with knobs and a screen on it. I quickly look back at Dylan.

  He whispers, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know if they’d let me back if I didn’t say I was your boyfriend. There’s was an accident downtown and I had to go the long way around.” His eyes are pleading with me. I turn away and nod my head. At least he’s here now, I guess. He grabs my hand and I pull away. Dylan mouths “Please.” When I don’t say anything, he leans into me. “I just want to hold your hand, Andy. Let me do that, please.” His hand envelops mine once more and I let him. This is his way of being here for the baby. A tear runs down my cheek. I didn’t even realize I was crying. I sniffle and wipe it away.

  The appointment goes on without any surprises. I’m right on schedule and the baby is growing as expected. Dylan is quiet. Then we see our little peanut and a beating heart. I cry for the tenth time and Dylan seems awestruck. He grips my hand so tight I lose blood flow and have to hit his arm to release me. I’m so in love with this sweet little peanut already.

  When the doctor is finished with my consult she steps out of the room. Sliding off the examination table, I hold on to the small sheet covering my modesty. I wait to see what Dylan is going to do. He stands still, waiting for me to get dressed. I clear my throat and I think he gets the hint.

  “I’ll meet you in the waiting room.” He abruptly leaves. I sit down with my bare butt hanging out and bawl my eyes out. After a while, I finally pull myself together and quickly get dressed. I’m not looking forward to seeing Dylan out in the waiting room. It was tough enough having him here during this whole embarrassing ordeal. Is it too much to ask to have my dignity intact? On the other hand, I’m glad he was able to come. Even though, it would be easier on me if we went our separate ways, it’s better for the baby to have a father.

  I wish my father were more present in my life. Speaking of which, I haven’t told him yet. He’s going to be extremely disappointed in me. He of all people put work before family. My dad has no paternal instincts. I don’t expect him to understand me being happy about having a baby even though I’m young. I know he wanted me to be set in a career but I was never as focused on that aspect of my life. I just wanted to live and enjoy my work, be able to pay the bills and maybe meet a nice boy someday. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

  I look at the picture the doctor gave me of our baby. I think I may have seen Dylan tear up too but he turned his head so I could no longer see his face. I hope he doesn’t bail on me now. I really want him to commit to this. If he couldn’t commit to me, I hope he’s able to be a father to our child. He would be a really good dad if he tried. I sigh and walk out the door.

  Dylan is leaning against the opposite side of the hallway. His eyes look grave. “Were you crying in there?” I try to control my reaction to him hearing me cry.

  “I cry at the drop of a hat these days.” I turn to walk to the nurse’s desk to pay my copay. He follows. I don’t think he bought that explanation.

  I’m proved right when he asks, “Why were you crying, Andy?” I huff. I don’t want to talk about this right now, let alone in the doctor’s office. I tell him as much and he placates me by nodding his head. He tries to pay for my appointment, but I don’t let him. It’s silly, but I want to show him I can take care of myself. I thank the nurse after paying and we walk out the door.

  “Why were you crying?” He turns to me.

  “What do you want me to say, Dylan?” I cross my arms over my chest, feeling defensive. Does he expect me to rip my heart out for him? Put it on the chopping block
for him to hammer to death? Why couldn’t you fight for me, for us? Why did you just let me go? Will you always be my constant reminder of my first love lost? Wait. No. Ugh! I hate him. I love him. He’s an ass. I walk toward the subway ignoring his lingering look.

  “Andy, please. I know you’re hurting and it’s my fault. I’m sorry. I’d like you to come back and work for me.”

  “Are you crazy? Why would I work for you?” My finger jams in his face. I’m barely holding on to my wrath. I don’t know how this man can get me so worked up. I’m usually very calm and collected but he drives me within an inch of insanity.

  “It’s not what it sounded like. I want to help you. I want to see you. What if you went into labor and I wasn’t there? I want to be able to make sure you’re getting everything you need.” My anger cools down a few notches. That was actually kind of sweet. I smile. Damn, these freaking mood swings. I’m up and down, hot and cold. I just need to get away from him to think. I can’t think straight right now. I need ice cream. “You need ice cream?” Oh, shit. I must have said that out loud. I clench my eyes shut and take a deep breath.

  “I appreciate your job offer, but I already have a good job and I don’t think it would be a good idea to work together anymore. You know when the next doctor’s appointment is. I guess I’ll see you then?” I open my eyes and stare at his beard. God, I miss that beard between my legs. He nods a yes. “I’m going to get ice cream.”

  13

  Two weeks later, I haven’t had any more unexpected visits from Dylan. I’m a bit conflicted about that. It was nice when he was trying to see me, but it also hurt me every time I looked into his brown eyes. I dream about him almost every night, his body blanketing mine, keeping me safe. I miss his smell. Dylan smells like cinnamon. It’s a strong yet comforting spice that makes me think of home, just like him. I huff and sit up in bed. I stretch my arms above my head and yawn.

  Surprisingly, I’ve been sleeping really well. Maybe the dreams about Dylan help a little. I look over at my clock. It’s seven forty-five. I need to get out of my cozy bed and get ready for work. I’m enjoying my new job at Hankman and Associates. They have incredible benefits. They have lunch catered almost every day. A girl can used to that.

  They’re trying to emulate Google in that aspect, make it a fun environment. None of us have cubicles; it’s one long table we share with all our computers set in the middle. I’m not holed up in an office anymore. The people I work with are great too. They’re all very friendly. I actually look forward to going to my job. I did with Dylan too, but I just couldn’t work for him again. I wouldn’t be able to face him day after day. I’d be fawning over him and he would be pushing me away.

  Grudgingly, I roll out of bed and that’s when I notice the blood. Everything goes black for a moment. I feel my body hit the cold floor. I break out in a sweat and start to shake. When I’m finally able to see my surroundings, I reach for my cell on the table near my bed. Sitting on the floor, I dial the one number I hate but need.

  “Hello?”

  “Dylan? Can you come over please?” Tears run down my face. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand and sniffle.

  “Andy? Are you okay? I’m on my way.” He wanted to stay on the line with me, but I told him I’d like to get changed before he arrived. I also need to call my doctor immediately and make an appointment. He reluctantly hangs up. As I’m pulling my shirt over my head, there’s a knock rattling my door. “Andy?”

  I sigh in relief and open the door wide. Dylan engulfs me in a huge hug, then pulls away slightly and cradles my face in his hands. “Are you okay? Did you speak with the doctor?” I nod and he moves his hands from my face to my sides. I feel a little guilty I’m keeping him in suspense a little longer so I can feel all this comfort from him.

  “I have an appointment in thirty minutes. She was able to get me in quickly. She said spotting is normal with pregnancy, but she wants to check me over just to make sure.” I lean my head on his shoulder. This is nice. I’m a lot calmer after talking to my doctor and with him here, I feel safe, reveling in his scent and warmth for a moment.

  “Was it a lot of blood? Are you feeling okay?” Dylan’s still amped up. I need to settle his nerves.

  “I feel fine. It wasn’t much blood.” His arm wraps around my shoulders and he leads me out of my apartment.

  “All right, let’s get you to the doctor.”

  We get into his car and an hour later we’re walking out of the exam room with smiles on our faces. It was just light spotting and nothing to worry about. The baby looked perfect. Dr. Flemming put our minds at ease. Dylan held my hand the entire time. It almost felt like we were a couple again. I tried to keep myself grounded. It wasn’t too hard since my heart is still aching. I can’t help but love him. My heart had no choice. It beats for him and this baby. It doesn’t help how attentive he was this morning.

  I honestly don’t know what he wants from me anymore. Is he here only for the baby? Does he want a working relationship again? Does he want to be a couple again? I don’t even know if that’s on the table for me. This is all a big mess. Time away from him didn’t help me come to a decision on any of this.

  “Do you want to grab a late breakfast?” Dylan asks me as we are walking to his car. He opens the door for me and I slide in. I contemplate his question as he rounds the car. If time away from him didn’t help, maybe time with him will help me figure out what I want out of all of this. When he buckles in his seat belt I answer him.

  “Yes. That sounds nice.” He smiles brilliantly at me and starts the car. That smile could melt panties off women everywhere.

  We arrive at IHOP and are seated immediately. “I’m surprised you agreed to eat with me.” Dylan puts cream and sugar in his coffee. I grab my hot chocolate and take a sip.

  “I was hungry and you were willing to pay,” I tease, taking a sip of my orange juice. No coffee for me these days. It’s a small price to pay to have a healthy, happy baby. Dylan sits there and watches me for a moment. I don’t know what he’s up to, but he’s smirking.

  “You look beautiful, Andy.” I look down at my flowy floral top that’s the exact opposite of his black concert band T-shirt. I don’t know what to make of that comment. I feel bloated and uncomfortable.

  “Thank you.” He takes a drink from his coffee and then plays with the cup by turning it on the table. He’s stalling or trying to gather his words, I guess. He gives up on messing with his mug and steeples his hands in front of his mouth. It reminds me of Sherlock Holmes and I sigh. He’s so hot, even when he’s flustered and out of his element. He gives me a bewildered look and then shakes it off.

  “You must know, I miss you like hell. It’s been unbearable without you. I don’t miss you as a secretary or a warm body in my bed or an easy lay as you put it awhile back. I miss my Andy. The smell of your skin in the morning and when you walk around in only my shirt. I even miss your pink shit everywhere. You shocked me with the way you told me you were pregnant.”

  I open my mouth to say something but he holds up his hand.

  “Please, just let me finish.” I nod and he continues. “I didn’t react well. Honestly, I’m still in shock about it, but I want this. I want you and the baby. I want you to move in with me and let me take care of you. I’m a fucking idiot, I need a little bit of a learning curve on all this shit, Andy.” He reaches out for my hand and I instinctively let him have it. He raises my hand to his mouth and kisses it. I’ve just turned to mush. This bearded tattooed Prince of Darkness is asking for pink in his house . . . and me. I begin to cry.

  Dylan immediately abandons his seat across from me in the booth and joins my side to comfort me. I nestle into his neck and smell him in. He still smells like cinnamon and something else . . . something entirely him. “I love you.” Oh shit. I just laid that on him. What the hell is wrong with me? Pregnancy. I’m blaming it on pregnancy hormones.

  “What?” Dylan pulls away from me and looks me straight in the eye, waiting for confir
mation of what I just blurted out.

  “Umm, nothing. I’ve been craving pancakes all morning. I love pancakes.” I peek up at him to see if he buys the lie. He scratches his jaw and looks down at me, bewildered.

  “Huh. Well, the pancakes will be here shortly.” He laughs. I blow out some air and rest my head on his shoulder. Thank God he bought that. I don’t know what I’d do if we addressed my love for him. He’d probably bolt on me. I hate to admit it, but I really do love him on my side with this baby. I need some support in this. It was a surprise to me too and it feels good to have someone like Dylan to share this with.

  14

  Dylan grabbed all my stuff from my apartment right after we left the pancake house and moved me and Birdie in immediately. She was happy as punch to be back at his loft, taking a place in his lap. He makes things easier for me and I do love him, whether he wants me to or not. I can’t help it. I fell for the Neanderthal. I’m just hoping with time he’ll love me too. Honestly, I think he already does. He just hasn’t admitted it to himself yet. He builds up walls and that’s why it’s so difficult for him to express things, but I’m going to make it my mission to get this man to open up to me.

  Right now, I have a different problem. It’s been a week since I moved back in and we haven’t had sex. What’s up with that? He hasn’t even hinted he wants anything physical. We cuddle on the couch and sleep in his bed every night, but he never makes a move. I’ve tried to get him worked up but he usually just turns me around and wraps his arms around me while he cradles my belly. It melts my heart and I don’t want to move when he does that. It doesn’t help that I’m crazy horny. It’s no joke. I’m really suffering here. Something has to give.

  “God, I love this movie.” Dabbing my eyes with a tissue, I watch the train scene in Mrs. Winterbourne. Birdie is asleep in the other room, probably on Dylan’s side of the bed. This feels like home. This man will sit next to me on the couch and watch a bona fide chick flick with me, but he won’t admit yet that he loves me. I can live with that for now, as long as he keeps showing me every day. The words will come. Just thinking about him watching this with me makes me horny. His sweetness makes me horny. I rub his leg as he looks down at his phone. He’s been begging me to come back and work for him, but I need my independence. I need to know that I can take care of this baby myself. I don’t want to completely depend on a man to take care of me.